I am not going to be famous or sought-after; no singing and performing career for me. I came as close to my dreams as I could. My old life of being an active addict did not help me take myself or my career more seriously, nor instilled the necessary discipline.
If I had it to do over, I would have recorded my CD in Vancouver. Also, I was in a real musical family in Ontario and starting to get into the folk clubs. :-( I had joy and confidence in performing MY material, because folk club fans totally expect and want that.
I will not be happily married - thinking about it, I am really not marriageable material. As someone I know noted, once you pass a certain age, you are invisible - unless you already have a partner.
A full-time thriving career of any kind is not to be had. I have the brains and talent, but have been tripped up for a lifetime with the ADD, Sleep Apnea and Dysthymia.
I want a new direction. It is not at all too late. But for what? I do not know.
I write all these to still the restless what-ifs. Those are done.
It is finished. A new road begins. Lead on, Creator.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Four Shiny Pennies
I had made a decision that was somewhat unwise, but provoked by some desperation. My credit card had piled up again...some were necessary expenses, in fact, all were - but I never had the earnings to pay the card back for its help.
Therefore, I went to my line of credit account, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and was going to transfer the funds sitting at 19% interest to the LOC at 3.75%. I logged in to the account - and there was not nearly enough space to do that. The interest alone was over $200 a month.
I went back to my carefully built checking account, which had a little more than enough to cover the mandatory $600 per month, and paid $500.00 on the LOC.
Again, I feel stuck. I can't see me having a corporate job. Yes, I can clear it off and then some by selling my place. I do want to, as crappy as the market is - and the condo fees are high enough in this building that it is a deterrent to potential purchasers.
This somehow ties in to something I have recently discovered about myself - that I don't like being told what to do. This was first mentioned in my presence a couple of years ago - and lately, I have realized what a pervasive curse that defect of character is.
I discussed it with a fellow member in my 12 step program. He and I grew up in very different families with one thing in common - total lack of control in our lives. He was manipulated and criticized mercilessly - I went wherever my family was transferred; my dad travelled a lot no matter what I did; and getting 97% on a spelling test was not good enough. (I can see that, as I got 99 or 100% with no problem if I tried just a little bit).
Whatever the reasons, I became overly sensitive to 'being fixed', or my mom helping me 'organize my place'. The message I seem to have received was this: If you tell me what to do, then it means I know nothing, am stupid, and am worthless. Invalid. Invisible, unlovable and useless.
That same trait has the potential to kill me, I have seen lately. When I was a teen, I remember thinking clearly that I could control my food, and no one could take that from me. The fact is - I have no control over people, places and things in my life.
Rebelling at what I perceive as being told what to do means I don't follow a running exercise schedule, even though I wanted for SO long to find a learn to run class. It means I don't follow any discipline regarding eating healthily and having a full and wonderful life. I am trapped by this defect - sore knees, fat body, fear. I feel horrid and powerless, unable to live my life the way I really want to. BUT THAT MEANS I HAVE GIVEN IN! (My distorted thinking). And any praise from others for becoming slim and healthy does not address the resentment within me. "FINE, I did what you/society/doctor wants me to do." This means I can be healthy or 'happy' (ie, unchanged within), not both.
Don't tell me what to do - for a career, job, anything. And here I am, broke for most of my life, with the situation described above.
My sponsor has a good idea - when she prays for a defect to be removed, she asks that it be replaced with its opposite.
I am game to do that. I don't exactly know what the opposite IS - but doing that will forestall the feeling of defeat and emptiness.
God - how this rebelliousness has hurt my whole life, every aspect of it. I don't even try to be fashionable or attractive, because I would be giving in to - what? How THEY say it should be done.
There is a job with a newspaper I can get - 3 am to 6 am every morning - and it can pay quite a bit. I think I had better try for it. I can do all the inventory in the world, but that doesn't change the fact I need a job and a decent income. I DESERVE that, in fact.
Today, I had $20 worth of points on my grocery store debit card, and $1.88 towards groceries from a gas purchase I made at the store's gas bar, and $3 in loonies. I purchased 4 items, and used all that; I got 4 cents in change.
I can still see the cashier handing my change back, bright copper falling from her hand into my palm. Four shiny pennies. Bright but with no promise and no profit. I put them in my change purse and left the store.
Therefore, I went to my line of credit account, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and was going to transfer the funds sitting at 19% interest to the LOC at 3.75%. I logged in to the account - and there was not nearly enough space to do that. The interest alone was over $200 a month.
I went back to my carefully built checking account, which had a little more than enough to cover the mandatory $600 per month, and paid $500.00 on the LOC.
Again, I feel stuck. I can't see me having a corporate job. Yes, I can clear it off and then some by selling my place. I do want to, as crappy as the market is - and the condo fees are high enough in this building that it is a deterrent to potential purchasers.
This somehow ties in to something I have recently discovered about myself - that I don't like being told what to do. This was first mentioned in my presence a couple of years ago - and lately, I have realized what a pervasive curse that defect of character is.
I discussed it with a fellow member in my 12 step program. He and I grew up in very different families with one thing in common - total lack of control in our lives. He was manipulated and criticized mercilessly - I went wherever my family was transferred; my dad travelled a lot no matter what I did; and getting 97% on a spelling test was not good enough. (I can see that, as I got 99 or 100% with no problem if I tried just a little bit).
Whatever the reasons, I became overly sensitive to 'being fixed', or my mom helping me 'organize my place'. The message I seem to have received was this: If you tell me what to do, then it means I know nothing, am stupid, and am worthless. Invalid. Invisible, unlovable and useless.
That same trait has the potential to kill me, I have seen lately. When I was a teen, I remember thinking clearly that I could control my food, and no one could take that from me. The fact is - I have no control over people, places and things in my life.
Rebelling at what I perceive as being told what to do means I don't follow a running exercise schedule, even though I wanted for SO long to find a learn to run class. It means I don't follow any discipline regarding eating healthily and having a full and wonderful life. I am trapped by this defect - sore knees, fat body, fear. I feel horrid and powerless, unable to live my life the way I really want to. BUT THAT MEANS I HAVE GIVEN IN! (My distorted thinking). And any praise from others for becoming slim and healthy does not address the resentment within me. "FINE, I did what you/society/doctor wants me to do." This means I can be healthy or 'happy' (ie, unchanged within), not both.
Don't tell me what to do - for a career, job, anything. And here I am, broke for most of my life, with the situation described above.
My sponsor has a good idea - when she prays for a defect to be removed, she asks that it be replaced with its opposite.
I am game to do that. I don't exactly know what the opposite IS - but doing that will forestall the feeling of defeat and emptiness.
God - how this rebelliousness has hurt my whole life, every aspect of it. I don't even try to be fashionable or attractive, because I would be giving in to - what? How THEY say it should be done.
There is a job with a newspaper I can get - 3 am to 6 am every morning - and it can pay quite a bit. I think I had better try for it. I can do all the inventory in the world, but that doesn't change the fact I need a job and a decent income. I DESERVE that, in fact.
Today, I had $20 worth of points on my grocery store debit card, and $1.88 towards groceries from a gas purchase I made at the store's gas bar, and $3 in loonies. I purchased 4 items, and used all that; I got 4 cents in change.
I can still see the cashier handing my change back, bright copper falling from her hand into my palm. Four shiny pennies. Bright but with no promise and no profit. I put them in my change purse and left the store.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Death
Heard an interesting bit on CBC radio a while back...the person said (might have been quoting someone else, I don't know) that when we each think back to before we were born, when we didn't exist, it doesn't bother us. In the same vein, the thought of not existing after we die should invite the same feeling of being unbothered.
It was a small lightbulb moment for me.
As much as I would love to believe that there is a heaven - even on where I will see my departed loved ones again - I simply can't see it happening. It is ego, sentimentality, wishful thinking and, yes, love that lead to a belief in Heaven.
Heaven is a comfort for the living, and non-existent for the dead.
I am okay with that.
I am therefore more driven to find out why I am alive at all, with a sense of Self - and what it is I am to do while I am alive. Without a promise of heavenly rewards, I still hope to do good.
It was a small lightbulb moment for me.
As much as I would love to believe that there is a heaven - even on where I will see my departed loved ones again - I simply can't see it happening. It is ego, sentimentality, wishful thinking and, yes, love that lead to a belief in Heaven.
Heaven is a comfort for the living, and non-existent for the dead.
I am okay with that.
I am therefore more driven to find out why I am alive at all, with a sense of Self - and what it is I am to do while I am alive. Without a promise of heavenly rewards, I still hope to do good.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sore throat
I woke up with that sore, dry small lump warning in my throat. I slept til 10 or so...this 'new' machine keeps me awake at times with a tiny high whining wheeze and a low moan when the pressure is up. Also, I usually have a warm flash shortly after going to bed, and have my window open a bit. The Alberta nights have been chilly, close to frost level, and I partly wake up quite chilled, and it takes a while for me to wake up enough to close the window.
In my jammies all day....read and napped. Oscar got three lap purring sessions, a record! The sky was grey all day; there were several wonderful rumbling rolls of thunder in the last half hour. I am thinking of going for a stroll, wrapping my neck. It is still cool, but there is some sun now.
I feel like I am in a totally different world. Moving forward to supplemental income. Then what will I do? What do I WANT to do?
I Googled for musical theatre schools in Alberta, but found nothing. Not like Humber or George Brown in Ontario. I looked at Arts Management type courses at Grant McEwan, but it would be too agonizing to work so near the stage and not be on it. :-(
I am quitting computer work. I am emptying my life, just quitting. Start over.
Or just live each day as it comes.
I am done. With. Faking. It.
In my jammies all day....read and napped. Oscar got three lap purring sessions, a record! The sky was grey all day; there were several wonderful rumbling rolls of thunder in the last half hour. I am thinking of going for a stroll, wrapping my neck. It is still cool, but there is some sun now.
I feel like I am in a totally different world. Moving forward to supplemental income. Then what will I do? What do I WANT to do?
I Googled for musical theatre schools in Alberta, but found nothing. Not like Humber or George Brown in Ontario. I looked at Arts Management type courses at Grant McEwan, but it would be too agonizing to work so near the stage and not be on it. :-(
I am quitting computer work. I am emptying my life, just quitting. Start over.
Or just live each day as it comes.
I am done. With. Faking. It.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Awesome and Why
Yesterday was amazing for me...did dishes, plus laundry, swept and mopped the floors, vacuumed everything...just didn't get the mending started or done.
Fighting again to get the CPAP mask to fit just right...actually had a nose bleed this morning from some part of it physically pressing against the bridge area of my nose.
Actually, what I was gonna wordily wander about was why I gained so much weight. I have before, but gained while Norm was here. I can lose it - but what is stopping me this time?
Louise Hay saw the metaphysical root of alcoholism as futility. I think that is true for my food addiction. I see no point, other than my health. I don't expect to fall in love again and have the feeling be mutual - and the relationship reasonably healthy - so what's to shoot for? It's a deep feeling of futility.
The church thing...I was at the outdoor service and sang, and at the picnic afterwards had fun. I FINALLY got rid of the bottles of mustard and relish in the fridge!
I thought I might go to church today - but I didn't.
I want hope and joy again, I want an active life. All I can do is put it out there.
Julie Spence Crane - I waited too long to phone you. :-(
Today I thought about the archaeologists of the future. What the heck are they gonna do with all the cyber information? For the first time in archaeological history, there will be enough information for them to see that a sizeable portion of the present population is plainly just stupid. Hopefully that will cause relief, but it may engender despair as they look around at their world and realize that some things will never change.
Stupidity - the true eternity. It alone will survive the apocalypse!
Fighting again to get the CPAP mask to fit just right...actually had a nose bleed this morning from some part of it physically pressing against the bridge area of my nose.
Actually, what I was gonna wordily wander about was why I gained so much weight. I have before, but gained while Norm was here. I can lose it - but what is stopping me this time?
Louise Hay saw the metaphysical root of alcoholism as futility. I think that is true for my food addiction. I see no point, other than my health. I don't expect to fall in love again and have the feeling be mutual - and the relationship reasonably healthy - so what's to shoot for? It's a deep feeling of futility.
The church thing...I was at the outdoor service and sang, and at the picnic afterwards had fun. I FINALLY got rid of the bottles of mustard and relish in the fridge!
I thought I might go to church today - but I didn't.
I want hope and joy again, I want an active life. All I can do is put it out there.
Julie Spence Crane - I waited too long to phone you. :-(
Today I thought about the archaeologists of the future. What the heck are they gonna do with all the cyber information? For the first time in archaeological history, there will be enough information for them to see that a sizeable portion of the present population is plainly just stupid. Hopefully that will cause relief, but it may engender despair as they look around at their world and realize that some things will never change.
Stupidity - the true eternity. It alone will survive the apocalypse!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Pressure for change in Christian expression
http://www.odt.co.nz/opinion/opinion/105961/pressure-change-christian-expression
Pressure for change in Christian expression
Ian Harris considers the phenomenon of "progressive Christianity".
Progressive churches are more interested in an honest search for truth than in the dubious certainty of ancient doctrinesFaith and reason
A living religion is constantly evolving.
It adapts from a particular time and culture to new times and different cultures.
Sometimes the change is gradual, sometimes abrupt.
Tensions develop between those who press for change and those who resist it.
The pattern has recurred in every religion over the centuries.
In Christianity it is happening again as a self-consciously new way of being Christian emerges, labelled loosely as "progressive Christianity".
The movement's wellspring is dissatisfaction with conservative attitudes and practices in the larger denominations, and it has been slowly and independently taking shape in New Zealand, Australia, the United States, Britain, Canada and Ireland during the past 20 years.
Pressure for change has come mainly from the grassroots, as lay people began looking for expressions of faith that take into account the huge developments in knowledge, biblical scholarship and theological understanding over the past 200 years.
Instead of skirting around those changes, they want the Churches to embrace them and move on.
A few ministers and priests who feel the same way have encouraged them.
In another age, such people would have challenged their Churches to reform, or would have broken away to form new ones.
Today, the progressives choose to retain the links with their denominational heritage, but put their energy into finding their own spiritual path in a way more attuned to our own time and place.
Some talk of it as "rewiring the Church".
It is early days, and so far just five New Zealand congregations identify themselves as progressive.
All are highly visible, however: Knox Presbyterian Churches in Dunedin and Christchurch, St Andrew's in Wellington and St Luke's in Remuera, Auckland.
The other is St Matthew's Anglican Church in central Auckland.
This predominantly city pattern is matched by Uniting Church congregations in all the Australian state capitals.
In the United States there are some hundreds of progressive parishes drawn from 17 denominations, responding to the lead given by an Episcopalian (Anglican) priest in Washington DC, the Rev Jim Adams, who set up the Centre for Progressive Christianity in 1994.
Those churches have in common an emphasis on seeking an authentic spirituality for our times, rather than assuming that their churches have all the answers pre-packaged and expressed, firmly and finally, in their authorised liturgies.
Signing up to ancient creeds and doctrines is therefore not on those congregations' agenda.
Instead, the focus is on building communities bearing what one minister calls "the dangerous memory of Jesus", and exploring what that means for living today.
Progressive churches are more interested in an honest search for truth than in the dubious certainty of ancient doctrines.
They take the Bible seriously but not literally: it remains a prime spiritual resource, but not the only one.
They are open to all that modern science is revealing about the world and the cosmos, and expect to see that reflected in their worship.
Another emphasis is that they are more concerned about the way people treat each other than how they define their beliefs.
They oppose any dogma that limits free inquiry, and hold to a model of Christian community that emphasises the "fair, open, peaceful and loving treatment of all human beings".
Progressives are therefore ready to welcome on equal terms those whom many of their sister churches find it hard to accept, including homosexuals and feminists.
Secure in their own Christian understanding, they reject any claim that all other spiritual paths are in error, and have moved beyond polite acknowledgment of other world religions to respect.
Along with their liberal counterparts, they are concerned not just to alleviate poverty and social injustice but to address their causes, so they advocate for fairer communities, peace and the environment.
They underpin this by nurturing a spirituality centred on the stories, symbols and themes of their Christian heritage, but seek to express it in imaginative styles of worship which many traditionalists would find disconcerting.
Progressive Christians see themselves as providing a safe place for many for whom organised religion has proved ineffectual, irrelevant or repressive.
Though relatively few parishes have identified themselves as progressive, there are laypeople in most Churches who would find its approach attractive - and, obviously, many who would not.
Websites have sprung up to link them, for example tcpc.org in the United States.
It would be easy to claim too much for progressive Christianity, as it would be to claim too little.
The important thing is that it is here, it is vigorous, and it won't be going away.
• Ian Harris is a journalist and commentator.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Some nothings
I like days when I am feeling "nothing", and I have had more and more of them in the past several months.
Of course, it's really not "nothing"; just that I am feeling way more even. This certainly felt WEIRD for a while!
Also, waking up earlier in the morning. I find it hard to get out of bed, simply because I don't yet know what to do with the extra time. ;-)
Certainly I need to take even 15 minutes to just MOVE - I am heavier in body than ever, and my knees hurt sometimes, and I need to prevent damage (some may already have occurred!).
Meeting a friend from church for coffee tomorrow; she works there too. And I had coffee and a talk the other day with another friend from church.
Don't know if I will attend on Sunday; I'll wait until Sunday and see what happens. I would much rather have the talk with G first before I decide. But I do think I need a break.
Over the last few days, I have heard robins singing, grackles grackling LOL - when I have walked, I have not power walked and rushed...I have just walked. I've stopped to touch and notice the budding leaves on the trees; at that slower pace, I see and greet several people I know.
There are many good days - I am a good person.
I love today.
Of course, it's really not "nothing"; just that I am feeling way more even. This certainly felt WEIRD for a while!
Also, waking up earlier in the morning. I find it hard to get out of bed, simply because I don't yet know what to do with the extra time. ;-)
Certainly I need to take even 15 minutes to just MOVE - I am heavier in body than ever, and my knees hurt sometimes, and I need to prevent damage (some may already have occurred!).
Meeting a friend from church for coffee tomorrow; she works there too. And I had coffee and a talk the other day with another friend from church.
Don't know if I will attend on Sunday; I'll wait until Sunday and see what happens. I would much rather have the talk with G first before I decide. But I do think I need a break.
Over the last few days, I have heard robins singing, grackles grackling LOL - when I have walked, I have not power walked and rushed...I have just walked. I've stopped to touch and notice the budding leaves on the trees; at that slower pace, I see and greet several people I know.
There are many good days - I am a good person.
I love today.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Adults have tantrums
I do, for sure. Let little things, both known and unknown, build up til I explode. There are saner ways to make a decision.
When G returns, I do owe an amends for the impersonal way in which I contacted him to let him know what I was doing. I really didn't even have to let him know...but as he said, 'after 6 - 7 years, an email? Get real.'
I was acting out of fear...and in the last 24 hours it has dawned on me that dealing that way with ANYONE I have known for even 2 years is likely to be really hurtful.
G and that church community have supported me through a lot. I owe them much, not the least of which is a direct and loving relationship, and an honest one as well.
I must remember to not judge my insides by someone else's outsides.
Onward. Together.
When G returns, I do owe an amends for the impersonal way in which I contacted him to let him know what I was doing. I really didn't even have to let him know...but as he said, 'after 6 - 7 years, an email? Get real.'
I was acting out of fear...and in the last 24 hours it has dawned on me that dealing that way with ANYONE I have known for even 2 years is likely to be really hurtful.
G and that church community have supported me through a lot. I owe them much, not the least of which is a direct and loving relationship, and an honest one as well.
I must remember to not judge my insides by someone else's outsides.
Onward. Together.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Dear G
These days I am calm, moods are even; I am enjoying a new lease on health and growth. I tell you this in case any assurance is needed that I am not angry with anyone, or upset.
It's just that recently, and now, I have no idea what I am doing in the church. I have no idea why I am there.
I cannot see where to grow, or how; no direction is clear to me. As long as I have tried, I cannot take as literal truth the basis of Christianity as outlined in the Nicene Creed. I have stood with everyone else when we say it, but I have not said it for weeks.
I used to be able to make some sort of peace with everything - but finally reached a crisis, in the Greek sense. Things I always heard without listening now grate on me. The Eucharist no longer makes sense. When it was my turn to read the readings for the day, I used to feel warm, eager to communicate what the original writer might have meant, to make the words real.
The last time I read, I felt dry. I just spoke the words.
The music...having worked occasionally as a music director in the past, I know that ensemble voices must blend, and that my voice does not work with the other singers in that capacity. I settled for being a team member, with J and A bringing in their keyboard so I could provide extra instrumentation.
I miss singing tremendously. I note I said "I settled". Settling for and true acceptance are not the same thing to me.
What grates me here is how often the word "I" is used. Egocentric. I know I am loved there by many, and I am breaking into tears as I write this.
But I don't have any reason or purpose there any more. I feel detached, distant, unaffected.
G, the only reason I write to you about this is because I have known you a long while. I know I don't need "permission" or anything like that.
I have been through a lot of change, all good, and I am taking an indefinite break from A.S.C. I have to.
If by some chance you are baffled by this, I can only assure you that I am the same. So many things in my life from the past 10 years just do not fit any more.
Thank you, G. Thank you for everything.
Candace
It's just that recently, and now, I have no idea what I am doing in the church. I have no idea why I am there.
I cannot see where to grow, or how; no direction is clear to me. As long as I have tried, I cannot take as literal truth the basis of Christianity as outlined in the Nicene Creed. I have stood with everyone else when we say it, but I have not said it for weeks.
I used to be able to make some sort of peace with everything - but finally reached a crisis, in the Greek sense. Things I always heard without listening now grate on me. The Eucharist no longer makes sense. When it was my turn to read the readings for the day, I used to feel warm, eager to communicate what the original writer might have meant, to make the words real.
The last time I read, I felt dry. I just spoke the words.
The music...having worked occasionally as a music director in the past, I know that ensemble voices must blend, and that my voice does not work with the other singers in that capacity. I settled for being a team member, with J and A bringing in their keyboard so I could provide extra instrumentation.
I miss singing tremendously. I note I said "I settled". Settling for and true acceptance are not the same thing to me.
What grates me here is how often the word "I" is used. Egocentric. I know I am loved there by many, and I am breaking into tears as I write this.
But I don't have any reason or purpose there any more. I feel detached, distant, unaffected.
G, the only reason I write to you about this is because I have known you a long while. I know I don't need "permission" or anything like that.
I have been through a lot of change, all good, and I am taking an indefinite break from A.S.C. I have to.
If by some chance you are baffled by this, I can only assure you that I am the same. So many things in my life from the past 10 years just do not fit any more.
Thank you, G. Thank you for everything.
Candace
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Sunday, March 28
Could hardly keep it together during the service today. I guess there's no harm children believing in stories, but to be told they actually historically happened with no options, I just have to leave that alone.
I was angry, and broke out sobbing after church. Tara and Anne spoke with me - Anne bought coffee and we talked at a coffee shop. Greg put his arm around me, was honestly concerned...I felt like I had to leave this church where I have spent almost 10 incredible years, some very painful.
I don't have to decide today.
What the hell am I doing wrong? I don't socialize, no boyfriend, and there are lots of good men around.
I hope to finish this book today and then pass it on to Greg.
So hard to ignore the liturgical untruths; I never have believed them. But Anne and Tara and Greg all admit to having periods of doubt...Greg says I am going through purification and that I will come out the other side.
I'm just tired of all the crap.
Even tonight's socialization...it has a purpose, a discussion, a point. I just wanna have fun for a change!
Rant rant rant...hope I get all computers done.
I want to be free from this. A break. Money coming in. I have no expensive vices, not even TV.
That's it for today. ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!
I was angry, and broke out sobbing after church. Tara and Anne spoke with me - Anne bought coffee and we talked at a coffee shop. Greg put his arm around me, was honestly concerned...I felt like I had to leave this church where I have spent almost 10 incredible years, some very painful.
I don't have to decide today.
What the hell am I doing wrong? I don't socialize, no boyfriend, and there are lots of good men around.
I hope to finish this book today and then pass it on to Greg.
So hard to ignore the liturgical untruths; I never have believed them. But Anne and Tara and Greg all admit to having periods of doubt...Greg says I am going through purification and that I will come out the other side.
I'm just tired of all the crap.
Even tonight's socialization...it has a purpose, a discussion, a point. I just wanna have fun for a change!
Rant rant rant...hope I get all computers done.
I want to be free from this. A break. Money coming in. I have no expensive vices, not even TV.
That's it for today. ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Monday, March 22, 2010
I know how to move, but
Have fallen off the walking wagon. I FINALLY got out to the walking group several weeks ago.
Over the past 2 weeks, location has changed once...and I couldn't keep up with some and had no one to talk to...then there were slower walkers I could walk with and talk to...but I don't have wife/mother/grandmother/neighbour stuff to talk about. *sigh*
I plotted out a good route across from my building last fall. I used it twice.
It was doing me GOOD...and my aches and pains were gone, chiro adjustments improved greatly.
Now my hip is starting to hurt again. How do I break this inertia? I think of a few things I can do and then I don't do anything. :-(
That's my grump for the day.
Over the past 2 weeks, location has changed once...and I couldn't keep up with some and had no one to talk to...then there were slower walkers I could walk with and talk to...but I don't have wife/mother/grandmother/neighbour stuff to talk about. *sigh*
I plotted out a good route across from my building last fall. I used it twice.
It was doing me GOOD...and my aches and pains were gone, chiro adjustments improved greatly.
Now my hip is starting to hurt again. How do I break this inertia? I think of a few things I can do and then I don't do anything. :-(
That's my grump for the day.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
What I don't know, part 2
Religion.
Rabbi Brian has an e-newsletter called ROTB - Religion Outside the Box. Sadly, there is a box...many, many different boxes. How are we as humans ever going to unite and help each other if there are all these boxes?
I am getting uncomfortable at my place of worship. Years ago I read a book by Tom Harpur called "For Christ's Sake". It didn't change my thinking - but it did validate the deep and unspoken doubts I had had all my life.
For a couple of years, I have said the Apostle's Creed with everyone else. This morning I didn't even say it. I always had omitted the word "virgin". It's a widely-known fact that the original Hebrew in the OT (Other Testament) actually translated as, "Behold, a young woman of marriageable age shall conceive, and bear a son." There are two distinct words here, one meaning "virgin", and that one was not used.
Even the Christian Church as such did not exist until some time after the death of Jesus. Virtually all of the dogma and liturgy has been created by men (maybe just a few women) over the centuries.
Gretta Vosper, in her book "With or Without God", maintains that if the church is to survive, it needs to divest itself of old stories that don't work in our age. Leave aside virgin births, the supposed facts of the life of Jesus - we need to save each other and the planet, and it's not only the so-called faithful that know right from wrong and are willing to work and help each other and the planet.
In other words, she says that what we do is far more important than what we believe.
Part of confessional prayer this morning starts out, "God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed by what we have done and by what we have left undone."
If God must be addressed, I feel it only right to change "you" to "each other". If one's eyes are focused on the sky, one need not see that the global garbage needs taking out.
I am halfway through Vosper's book, and am somewhat relieved. I go to my church because it IS a community of people that walk rather than talk. But the liturgy is starting to sicken me. It does not help the world. It does not help anyone.
I feel sick. Heartsick. I love my community and so many of the people there. I am part of the music team for the later service.
However, I am back to the Higher Power concept...the calling within, the higher self.
I believe that is the only truth we can ever really find and share with each other.
Rabbi Brian has an e-newsletter called ROTB - Religion Outside the Box. Sadly, there is a box...many, many different boxes. How are we as humans ever going to unite and help each other if there are all these boxes?
I am getting uncomfortable at my place of worship. Years ago I read a book by Tom Harpur called "For Christ's Sake". It didn't change my thinking - but it did validate the deep and unspoken doubts I had had all my life.
For a couple of years, I have said the Apostle's Creed with everyone else. This morning I didn't even say it. I always had omitted the word "virgin". It's a widely-known fact that the original Hebrew in the OT (Other Testament) actually translated as, "Behold, a young woman of marriageable age shall conceive, and bear a son." There are two distinct words here, one meaning "virgin", and that one was not used.
Even the Christian Church as such did not exist until some time after the death of Jesus. Virtually all of the dogma and liturgy has been created by men (maybe just a few women) over the centuries.
Gretta Vosper, in her book "With or Without God", maintains that if the church is to survive, it needs to divest itself of old stories that don't work in our age. Leave aside virgin births, the supposed facts of the life of Jesus - we need to save each other and the planet, and it's not only the so-called faithful that know right from wrong and are willing to work and help each other and the planet.
In other words, she says that what we do is far more important than what we believe.
Part of confessional prayer this morning starts out, "God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed by what we have done and by what we have left undone."
If God must be addressed, I feel it only right to change "you" to "each other". If one's eyes are focused on the sky, one need not see that the global garbage needs taking out.
I am halfway through Vosper's book, and am somewhat relieved. I go to my church because it IS a community of people that walk rather than talk. But the liturgy is starting to sicken me. It does not help the world. It does not help anyone.
I feel sick. Heartsick. I love my community and so many of the people there. I am part of the music team for the later service.
However, I am back to the Higher Power concept...the calling within, the higher self.
I believe that is the only truth we can ever really find and share with each other.
In Transition - what I am starting to not know
Just to recap an earlier post...that piercing sweet feeling I get when thinking of Ontario in the fall? It's shame. Pure shame. I was unwell then - unsettled, certainly eccentric, perhaps no more than some people around me. But I did have friends - and tons of creativity. That was before I got diagnosed and medicated.
Oh, I am still "me" on medication, and I do need to earn a living. The latter has rarely been possible for the past 10 years at LEAST; my all-time high was about $22,000 before taxes. Yikes.
Actually, in my latest period of recovery, some creativity is coming back. But I have no drive or passion anymore, not like the hyper urgent and constant rush that used to rule my life.
So yes, I am ashamed of my moods and behaviour then. I somehow knew no better.
I do now. Next task - self forgiveness.
Go easy on yourself, folks.
Oh, I am still "me" on medication, and I do need to earn a living. The latter has rarely been possible for the past 10 years at LEAST; my all-time high was about $22,000 before taxes. Yikes.
Actually, in my latest period of recovery, some creativity is coming back. But I have no drive or passion anymore, not like the hyper urgent and constant rush that used to rule my life.
So yes, I am ashamed of my moods and behaviour then. I somehow knew no better.
I do now. Next task - self forgiveness.
Go easy on yourself, folks.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Internet Dating Profile
Here's what I would really like to write for my internet dating profile:
I was married briefly in the 80's; these days, I am really really fine being alone. I would like a companion - but I am not sure who would want me as one.
I have dysthymia (Google is your friend), ADHD Inattentive Type, sleep apnea (so I wear a mask when I sleep), and recently found out I have a "Learning Disorder Not Otherwise Specified". This means that while I would like to support myself, I have been largely unable to for the past 10 years, if not before.
After much thought over the past several years, I have applied for a disability income. You can't tell by looking at me, but it/they are there. I am well educated, highly intelligent and articulate, and after 20+ years as a pianist/singer/entertainer I am not fond of putting on makeup or colouring my hair. I am totally sober and do not smoke. My one mind-altering chemical is caffeine (which covers dark chocolate :-) ).
No promises that I will be your soulmate. I don't know if you will be mine. I have struggled with my weight all my life, and manage to stay pretty presentable. I wear glasses. I had girl surgery three years ago, and can't have kids. I didn't ever really want them, but I enjoy meeting children. I treat them like people.
I love my cats, plants - love to read, and go for walks, and coffee and meals out. I love cooking up something with a pal as well. I work VERY part time as a computer tech. I go to church weekly and am revisiting my music by being part of the singing each week. I like this church - it allows me intellectual freedom!
What I am going to be I am now becoming. I have some incredible things helping move me forward right now, and I will never give up.
So this is a sketch of what and who I am.
Have a great day.
I was married briefly in the 80's; these days, I am really really fine being alone. I would like a companion - but I am not sure who would want me as one.
I have dysthymia (Google is your friend), ADHD Inattentive Type, sleep apnea (so I wear a mask when I sleep), and recently found out I have a "Learning Disorder Not Otherwise Specified". This means that while I would like to support myself, I have been largely unable to for the past 10 years, if not before.
After much thought over the past several years, I have applied for a disability income. You can't tell by looking at me, but it/they are there. I am well educated, highly intelligent and articulate, and after 20+ years as a pianist/singer/entertainer I am not fond of putting on makeup or colouring my hair. I am totally sober and do not smoke. My one mind-altering chemical is caffeine (which covers dark chocolate :-) ).
No promises that I will be your soulmate. I don't know if you will be mine. I have struggled with my weight all my life, and manage to stay pretty presentable. I wear glasses. I had girl surgery three years ago, and can't have kids. I didn't ever really want them, but I enjoy meeting children. I treat them like people.
I love my cats, plants - love to read, and go for walks, and coffee and meals out. I love cooking up something with a pal as well. I work VERY part time as a computer tech. I go to church weekly and am revisiting my music by being part of the singing each week. I like this church - it allows me intellectual freedom!
What I am going to be I am now becoming. I have some incredible things helping move me forward right now, and I will never give up.
So this is a sketch of what and who I am.
Have a great day.
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