Dear G

These days I am calm, moods are even; I am enjoying a new lease on health and growth. I tell you this in case any assurance is needed that I am not angry with anyone, or upset.

It's just that recently, and now, I have no idea what I am doing in the church. I have no idea why I am there.

I cannot see where to grow, or how; no direction is clear to me. As long as I have tried, I cannot take as literal truth the basis of Christianity as outlined in the Nicene Creed. I have stood with everyone else when we say it, but I have not said it for weeks.

I used to be able to make some sort of peace with everything - but finally reached a crisis, in the Greek sense. Things I always heard without listening now grate on me. The Eucharist no longer makes sense. When it was my turn to read the readings for the day, I used to feel warm, eager to communicate what the original writer might have meant, to make the words real.

The last time I read, I felt dry. I just spoke the words.

The music...having worked occasionally as a music director in the past, I know that ensemble voices must blend, and that my voice does not work with the other singers in that capacity. I settled for being a team member, with J and A bringing in their keyboard so I could provide extra instrumentation.

I miss singing tremendously. I note I said "I settled". Settling for and true acceptance are not the same thing to me.

What grates me here is how often the word "I" is used. Egocentric. I know I am loved there by many, and I am breaking into tears as I write this.

But I don't have any reason or purpose there any more. I feel detached, distant, unaffected.

G, the only reason I write to you about this is because I have known you a long while. I know I don't need "permission" or anything like that.

I have been through a lot of change, all good, and I am taking an indefinite break from A.S.C. I have to.

If by some chance you are baffled by this, I can only assure you that I am the same. So many things in my life from the past 10 years just do not fit any more.

Thank you, G. Thank you for everything.

Candace