Adults have tantrums

I do, for sure. Let little things, both known and unknown, build up til I explode. There are saner ways to make a decision.

When G returns, I do owe an amends for the impersonal way in which I contacted him to let him know what I was doing. I really didn't even have to let him know...but as he said, 'after 6 - 7 years, an email? Get real.'

I was acting out of fear...and in the last 24 hours it has dawned on me that dealing that way with ANYONE I have known for even 2 years is likely to be really hurtful.

G and that church community have supported me through a lot. I owe them much, not the least of which is a direct and loving relationship, and an honest one as well.

I must remember to not judge my insides by someone else's outsides.

Onward. Together.

Dear G

These days I am calm, moods are even; I am enjoying a new lease on health and growth. I tell you this in case any assurance is needed that I am not angry with anyone, or upset.

It's just that recently, and now, I have no idea what I am doing in the church. I have no idea why I am there.

I cannot see where to grow, or how; no direction is clear to me. As long as I have tried, I cannot take as literal truth the basis of Christianity as outlined in the Nicene Creed. I have stood with everyone else when we say it, but I have not said it for weeks.

I used to be able to make some sort of peace with everything - but finally reached a crisis, in the Greek sense. Things I always heard without listening now grate on me. The Eucharist no longer makes sense. When it was my turn to read the readings for the day, I used to feel warm, eager to communicate what the original writer might have meant, to make the words real.

The last time I read, I felt dry. I just spoke the words.

The music...having worked occasionally as a music director in the past, I know that ensemble voices must blend, and that my voice does not work with the other singers in that capacity. I settled for being a team member, with J and A bringing in their keyboard so I could provide extra instrumentation.

I miss singing tremendously. I note I said "I settled". Settling for and true acceptance are not the same thing to me.

What grates me here is how often the word "I" is used. Egocentric. I know I am loved there by many, and I am breaking into tears as I write this.

But I don't have any reason or purpose there any more. I feel detached, distant, unaffected.

G, the only reason I write to you about this is because I have known you a long while. I know I don't need "permission" or anything like that.

I have been through a lot of change, all good, and I am taking an indefinite break from A.S.C. I have to.

If by some chance you are baffled by this, I can only assure you that I am the same. So many things in my life from the past 10 years just do not fit any more.

Thank you, G. Thank you for everything.

Candace

Sunday, March 28

Could hardly keep it together during the service today. I guess there's no harm children believing in stories, but to be told they actually historically happened with no options, I just have to leave that alone.

I was angry, and broke out sobbing after church. Tara and Anne spoke with me - Anne bought coffee and we talked at a coffee shop. Greg put his arm around me, was honestly concerned...I felt like I had to leave this church where I have spent almost 10 incredible years, some very painful.

I don't have to decide today.

What the hell am I doing wrong? I don't socialize, no boyfriend, and there are lots of good men around.

I hope to finish this book today and then pass it on to Greg.

So hard to ignore the liturgical untruths; I never have believed them. But Anne and Tara and Greg all admit to having periods of doubt...Greg says I am going through purification and that I will come out the other side.

I'm just tired of all the crap.

Even tonight's socialization...it has a purpose, a discussion, a point. I just wanna have fun for a change!

Rant rant rant...hope I get all computers done.

I want to be free from this. A break. Money coming in. I have no expensive vices, not even TV.

That's it for today. ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!

I know how to move, but

Have fallen off the walking wagon. I FINALLY got out to the walking group several weeks ago.

Over the past 2 weeks, location has changed once...and I couldn't keep up with some and had no one to talk to...then there were slower walkers I could walk with and talk to...but I don't have wife/mother/grandmother/neighbour stuff to talk about. *sigh*

I plotted out a good route across from my building last fall. I used it twice.

It was doing me GOOD...and my aches and pains were gone, chiro adjustments improved greatly.

Now my hip is starting to hurt again. How do I break this inertia? I think of a few things I can do and then I don't do anything. :-(

That's my grump for the day.

What I don't know, part 2

Religion.

Rabbi Brian has an e-newsletter called ROTB - Religion Outside the Box. Sadly, there is a box...many, many different boxes. How are we as humans ever going to unite and help each other if there are all these boxes?

I am getting uncomfortable at my place of worship. Years ago I read a book by Tom Harpur called "For Christ's Sake". It didn't change my thinking - but it did validate the deep and unspoken doubts I had had all my life.

For a couple of years, I have said the Apostle's Creed with everyone else. This morning I didn't even say it. I always had omitted the word "virgin". It's a widely-known fact that the original Hebrew in the OT (Other Testament) actually translated as, "Behold, a young woman of marriageable age shall conceive, and bear a son." There are two distinct words here, one meaning "virgin", and that one was not used.

Even the Christian Church as such did not exist until some time after the death of Jesus. Virtually all of the dogma and liturgy has been created by men (maybe just a few women) over the centuries.

Gretta Vosper, in her book "With or Without God", maintains that if the church is to survive, it needs to divest itself of old stories that don't work in our age. Leave aside virgin births, the supposed facts of the life of Jesus - we need to save each other and the planet, and it's not only the so-called faithful that know right from wrong and are willing to work and help each other and the planet.

In other words, she says that what we do is far more important than what we believe.

Part of confessional prayer this morning starts out, "God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed by what we have done and by what we have left undone."

If God must be addressed, I feel it only right to change "you" to "each other". If one's eyes are focused on the sky, one need not see that the global garbage needs taking out.

I am halfway through Vosper's book, and am somewhat relieved. I go to my church because it IS a community of people that walk rather than talk. But the liturgy is starting to sicken me. It does not help the world. It does not help anyone.

I feel sick. Heartsick. I love my community and so many of the people there. I am part of the music team for the later service.

However, I am back to the Higher Power concept...the calling within, the higher self.

I believe that is the only truth we can ever really find and share with each other.

In Transition - what I am starting to not know

Just to recap an earlier post...that piercing sweet feeling I get when thinking of Ontario in the fall? It's shame. Pure shame. I was unwell then - unsettled, certainly eccentric, perhaps no more than some people around me. But I did have friends - and tons of creativity. That was before I got diagnosed and medicated.

Oh, I am still "me" on medication, and I do need to earn a living. The latter has rarely been possible for the past 10 years at LEAST; my all-time high was about $22,000 before taxes. Yikes.

Actually, in my latest period of recovery, some creativity is coming back. But I have no drive or passion anymore, not like the hyper urgent and constant rush that used to rule my life.

So yes, I am ashamed of my moods and behaviour then. I somehow knew no better.

I do now. Next task - self forgiveness.

Go easy on yourself, folks.

Internet Dating Profile

Here's what I would really like to write for my internet dating profile:

I was married briefly in the 80's; these days, I am really really fine being alone. I would like a companion - but I am not sure who would want me as one.

I have dysthymia (Google is your friend), ADHD Inattentive Type, sleep apnea (so I wear a mask when I sleep), and recently found out I have a "Learning Disorder Not Otherwise Specified". This means that while I would like to support myself, I have been largely unable to for the past 10 years, if not before.

After much thought over the past several years, I have applied for a disability income. You can't tell by looking at me, but it/they are there. I am well educated, highly intelligent and articulate, and after 20+ years as a pianist/singer/entertainer I am not fond of putting on makeup or colouring my hair. I am totally sober and do not smoke. My one mind-altering chemical is caffeine (which covers dark chocolate :-) ).

No promises that I will be your soulmate. I don't know if you will be mine. I have struggled with my weight all my life, and manage to stay pretty presentable. I wear glasses. I had girl surgery three years ago, and can't have kids. I didn't ever really want them, but I enjoy meeting children. I treat them like people.

I love my cats, plants - love to read, and go for walks, and coffee and meals out. I love cooking up something with a pal as well. I work VERY part time as a computer tech. I go to church weekly and am revisiting my music by being part of the singing each week. I like this church - it allows me intellectual freedom!

What I am going to be I am now becoming. I have some incredible things helping move me forward right now, and I will never give up.

So this is a sketch of what and who I am.

Have a great day.