I know how to move, but

Have fallen off the walking wagon. I FINALLY got out to the walking group several weeks ago.

Over the past 2 weeks, location has changed once...and I couldn't keep up with some and had no one to talk to...then there were slower walkers I could walk with and talk to...but I don't have wife/mother/grandmother/neighbour stuff to talk about. *sigh*

I plotted out a good route across from my building last fall. I used it twice.

It was doing me GOOD...and my aches and pains were gone, chiro adjustments improved greatly.

Now my hip is starting to hurt again. How do I break this inertia? I think of a few things I can do and then I don't do anything. :-(

That's my grump for the day.

What I don't know, part 2

Religion.

Rabbi Brian has an e-newsletter called ROTB - Religion Outside the Box. Sadly, there is a box...many, many different boxes. How are we as humans ever going to unite and help each other if there are all these boxes?

I am getting uncomfortable at my place of worship. Years ago I read a book by Tom Harpur called "For Christ's Sake". It didn't change my thinking - but it did validate the deep and unspoken doubts I had had all my life.

For a couple of years, I have said the Apostle's Creed with everyone else. This morning I didn't even say it. I always had omitted the word "virgin". It's a widely-known fact that the original Hebrew in the OT (Other Testament) actually translated as, "Behold, a young woman of marriageable age shall conceive, and bear a son." There are two distinct words here, one meaning "virgin", and that one was not used.

Even the Christian Church as such did not exist until some time after the death of Jesus. Virtually all of the dogma and liturgy has been created by men (maybe just a few women) over the centuries.

Gretta Vosper, in her book "With or Without God", maintains that if the church is to survive, it needs to divest itself of old stories that don't work in our age. Leave aside virgin births, the supposed facts of the life of Jesus - we need to save each other and the planet, and it's not only the so-called faithful that know right from wrong and are willing to work and help each other and the planet.

In other words, she says that what we do is far more important than what we believe.

Part of confessional prayer this morning starts out, "God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word and deed by what we have done and by what we have left undone."

If God must be addressed, I feel it only right to change "you" to "each other". If one's eyes are focused on the sky, one need not see that the global garbage needs taking out.

I am halfway through Vosper's book, and am somewhat relieved. I go to my church because it IS a community of people that walk rather than talk. But the liturgy is starting to sicken me. It does not help the world. It does not help anyone.

I feel sick. Heartsick. I love my community and so many of the people there. I am part of the music team for the later service.

However, I am back to the Higher Power concept...the calling within, the higher self.

I believe that is the only truth we can ever really find and share with each other.

In Transition - what I am starting to not know

Just to recap an earlier post...that piercing sweet feeling I get when thinking of Ontario in the fall? It's shame. Pure shame. I was unwell then - unsettled, certainly eccentric, perhaps no more than some people around me. But I did have friends - and tons of creativity. That was before I got diagnosed and medicated.

Oh, I am still "me" on medication, and I do need to earn a living. The latter has rarely been possible for the past 10 years at LEAST; my all-time high was about $22,000 before taxes. Yikes.

Actually, in my latest period of recovery, some creativity is coming back. But I have no drive or passion anymore, not like the hyper urgent and constant rush that used to rule my life.

So yes, I am ashamed of my moods and behaviour then. I somehow knew no better.

I do now. Next task - self forgiveness.

Go easy on yourself, folks.

Internet Dating Profile

Here's what I would really like to write for my internet dating profile:

I was married briefly in the 80's; these days, I am really really fine being alone. I would like a companion - but I am not sure who would want me as one.

I have dysthymia (Google is your friend), ADHD Inattentive Type, sleep apnea (so I wear a mask when I sleep), and recently found out I have a "Learning Disorder Not Otherwise Specified". This means that while I would like to support myself, I have been largely unable to for the past 10 years, if not before.

After much thought over the past several years, I have applied for a disability income. You can't tell by looking at me, but it/they are there. I am well educated, highly intelligent and articulate, and after 20+ years as a pianist/singer/entertainer I am not fond of putting on makeup or colouring my hair. I am totally sober and do not smoke. My one mind-altering chemical is caffeine (which covers dark chocolate :-) ).

No promises that I will be your soulmate. I don't know if you will be mine. I have struggled with my weight all my life, and manage to stay pretty presentable. I wear glasses. I had girl surgery three years ago, and can't have kids. I didn't ever really want them, but I enjoy meeting children. I treat them like people.

I love my cats, plants - love to read, and go for walks, and coffee and meals out. I love cooking up something with a pal as well. I work VERY part time as a computer tech. I go to church weekly and am revisiting my music by being part of the singing each week. I like this church - it allows me intellectual freedom!

What I am going to be I am now becoming. I have some incredible things helping move me forward right now, and I will never give up.

So this is a sketch of what and who I am.

Have a great day.

Beauty

Just to go back to thr first post...my original intention was to create a 'blank book' where I and others could create their own divine text by describing what they find beautiful in their lives.

A couple of my posts have remarked on beauty I find in the fall, accompanied by a piercing feeling of loss and memory.

What do you find truly beautiful? And what feeling(s)does it evoke in you?

What do you know about beauty? You know everything about what is lovely and divine to you.

Personal Bill of Rights

Feel free to copy, paste and print this. What do you KNOW is your right?

Personal Bill of Rights for Adult Children

1. I have a right to all those good times that I have longed for all these years and didn’t get.
2. I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now — not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.
3. I have a right to relax and have fun in a nonalcoholic and nondestructive way.
4. I have a right to actively pursue people, places, and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.
5. I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.
6. I have a right to not participate in either the active or passive “crazy-making” behavior of parents, of siblings, and of others.
7. I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.
8. I have a right to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.
9. I have a right to “mess up”; to make mistakes, to “blow it”, to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.
10. I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, including my alcoholic relative, my nonalcoholic relatives, or any other member of my family.
11. I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
12. I have a right to all my feelings.
13. I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgment, my hunches, my intuition.
14. I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically.
15. I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a safe time and place.
16. I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.
17. I have a right to sort out the bill of goods my parents sold me — to take the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.
18. I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents' prescribed philosophy of life.
19. I have a right to carve out my place in this world.
20. I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life the way I want to, and not wait until my alcoholic relative gets well, gets happy, seeks help, or admits there is a problem.

September 1st

Have had some sniffles for a few days, and getting an actual cough...will have to cancel a job tomorrow morning, and hope I don't have the H1N1 (swine flu).

I am so grateful for all the people who support me...I can feel quite calm and confident even though my former? sweetie is, to all appearances, gone.

I can love the person, hate the behaviour, and refuse to have the behaviour in my life. We're not talking loud TV volume here - we're talking gambling and disappearing for some 5 days now.

What do you know about relationships? About keeping a balance between your health and that of others?