Four Shiny Pennies

I had made a decision that was somewhat unwise, but provoked by some desperation. My credit card had piled up again...some were necessary expenses, in fact, all were - but I never had the earnings to pay the card back for its help.

Therefore, I went to my line of credit account, robbing Peter to pay Paul, and was going to transfer the funds sitting at 19% interest to the LOC at 3.75%. I logged in to the account - and there was not nearly enough space to do that. The interest alone was over $200 a month.

I went back to my carefully built checking account, which had a little more than enough to cover the mandatory $600 per month, and paid $500.00 on the LOC.

Again, I feel stuck. I can't see me having a corporate job. Yes, I can clear it off and then some by selling my place. I do want to, as crappy as the market is - and the condo fees are high enough in this building that it is a deterrent to potential purchasers.

This somehow ties in to something I have recently discovered about myself - that I don't like being told what to do. This was first mentioned in my presence a couple of years ago - and lately, I have realized what a pervasive curse that defect of character is.

I discussed it with a fellow member in my 12 step program. He and I grew up in very different families with one thing in common - total lack of control in our lives. He was manipulated and criticized mercilessly - I went wherever my family was transferred; my dad travelled a lot no matter what I did; and getting 97% on a spelling test was not good enough. (I can see that, as I got 99 or 100% with no problem if I tried just a little bit).

Whatever the reasons, I became overly sensitive to 'being fixed', or my mom helping me 'organize my place'. The message I seem to have received was this: If you tell me what to do, then it means I know nothing, am stupid, and am worthless. Invalid. Invisible, unlovable and useless.

That same trait has the potential to kill me, I have seen lately. When I was a teen, I remember thinking clearly that I could control my food, and no one could take that from me. The fact is - I have no control over people, places and things in my life.

Rebelling at what I perceive as being told what to do means I don't follow a running exercise schedule, even though I wanted for SO long to find a learn to run class. It means I don't follow any discipline regarding eating healthily and having a full and wonderful life. I am trapped by this defect - sore knees, fat body, fear. I feel horrid and powerless, unable to live my life the way I really want to. BUT THAT MEANS I HAVE GIVEN IN! (My distorted thinking). And any praise from others for becoming slim and healthy does not address the resentment within me. "FINE, I did what you/society/doctor wants me to do." This means I can be healthy or 'happy' (ie, unchanged within), not both.

Don't tell me what to do - for a career, job, anything. And here I am, broke for most of my life, with the situation described above.

My sponsor has a good idea - when she prays for a defect to be removed, she asks that it be replaced with its opposite.

I am game to do that. I don't exactly know what the opposite IS - but doing that will forestall the feeling of defeat and emptiness.

God - how this rebelliousness has hurt my whole life, every aspect of it. I don't even try to be fashionable or attractive, because I would be giving in to - what? How THEY say it should be done.

There is a job with a newspaper I can get - 3 am to 6 am every morning - and it can pay quite a bit. I think I had better try for it. I can do all the inventory in the world, but that doesn't change the fact I need a job and a decent income. I DESERVE that, in fact.

Today, I had $20 worth of points on my grocery store debit card, and $1.88 towards groceries from a gas purchase I made at the store's gas bar, and $3 in loonies. I purchased 4 items, and used all that; I got 4 cents in change.

I can still see the cashier handing my change back, bright copper falling from her hand into my palm. Four shiny pennies. Bright but with no promise and no profit. I put them in my change purse and left the store.